As a teacher, a new year really doesn't start in my mind until its another school year. But as this numeric calendar changes into 2020 I hope to cherish my time with my family, travel more often, and continue to make strides for myself. At this point, I am the most important thing in my life.
As the year comes to a close, winter break has been welcomed with open arms. I really needed it this year, and happy to just take a break with teaching. For the past decade, I have been a teacher. I have spent the last ten years cultivating my teacher persona. In the past decade, I thought I would have moved, married, and with kids. That was the path I was on 10 years ago. Ten years later I bought a home, earned my administration credential, and traveled outside of America. I lost love and in the process had to find myself. I lost my grandparents in the past decade, and have learned to be resilient. As a teacher, a new year really doesn't start in my mind until its another school year. But as this numeric calendar changes into 2020 I hope to cherish my time with my family, travel more often, and continue to make strides for myself. At this point, I am the most important thing in my life.
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It has been a while. Lately I have loss the effort to really write about myself because I am scared to witness the words that I will type. I try to change my mindset to think positive, clearly, and remind myself that this too shall pass. But as the days continue, it becomes hard to fake the emotions of being hopeful.
I know people say, it is your will to make changes in your life. And I absolutely agree with them. But there are things in my life I can't control, and with my type A personality it is quite a challenge. I try to let it go, and when enough time passes, I lose myself again. Resilience is a skills many see me have. But even that can wear you down. Sometimes the toughest person you know, is carrying the most burden inside. I constantly feel that my sarcasm masks my own despair, which makes me feel alone a lot. The first step is admitting something isn't right. And for me that is factual. I notice that what people enjoy most about me, is also the same trait I sometimes wish I didn't do. Because people think nothing really bothers me, and that I also appear to be in control. I am cool, calm, and collective. I work everyday, giving myself a 100%, I am concerned about others and my students progress. I try to stay on top of tasks I work on, and I keep myself super busy in order to not feel the despair I have. I workout constantly. I keep my health in check, and I do my best to keep my physical strength. I do it, so people do not think I am weak. I am creative. I paint, I listen to music. I decorate. I keep my creativity alive, so I do not lose a sense of the world around me. I use it to avoid social media and the harshness it can bring in your life. I indulge. I watch basketball even though my team is losing like 18 years ago. I shop. I buy things because why work so hard and not enjoy things I like. I talk to my close friends. I talk to my family. I take care of my parents-even though my dad gets on my nerves because I can't handle another person asking me things repeatedly. On the outside, I am put together. Cool, calm, and collective. But inside I am scared. Raging with emotions. I am lost. And I don't know how to come back from this. I don't like to express my feelings to others because I have a history of being hurt. So when someone asks me, I cry. Not because I am sad. Or I need a hug. Or I am weak. I cry because I don't know how to express anything. The words do not come out of my mouth and they do not flow out like how I am writing this post. A New Year doesn't change anything for me. A new job? I don't know if that will do it? And I know-I have all the power to control my life. I have the will to change the course of action in my life. I know that is all true. I just feel I am running on empty now because I followed it all. Although I have many things to show for my successes- my empty self from history still feels less of a person. I feel like I am not enough. Thus, sarcasm clouds who I really am. |
About MeMy writing is a collection of my reflections & personal growth. The thoughts presented are my own opinion and do not represent anyone else. These are my own truths and my own experiences. Archives
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