I am still sticking to my routines, productivity, showing up, and dealing. It is a constant cycle that doesn't change-but lately I feel like I can't get out. I was reminded recently about my past. I know it is not good to dwell on what has already past, but it made me wonder, did I make the right decision?
There are moments when I look back, that I know I made the right choice. I became healthier, I know myself better than before, I made adult purchases, and I traveled. I became more patient with things that make me vulnerable. I wait patiently even though I want to tell you everything that is going on with me. I take calculated risks, when before I just took the lead or allowed someone else to lead me. I still breakdown once in a while. When my thoughts become the only thing I hear and feel, I lose myself. I question whether I am enough. I doubt my confidence even though my persona is to be confident. It becomes really tiring when you are always trying to push yourself forward, but you feel alone at the end of the day. When you feel your self-worth is truly not enough, and the story line of your life is another twisted faith of never meant to be.
That is what October feels like for me. And no matter what, I have to be patient. I have to keep myself moving forward.