Lately I have just been having voids of incompetence and it is honestly quite draining. Routines are still being maintained, but I am just faking it till I make it mentality. I have been setting goals, traveling plans, and even contemplating my next steps. But I feel like I am stuck. Sometimes I feel like I failed myself.
Mid-November is drawing near, and that means only 5 weeks until winter break. I know my writing has been gloomy lately and borderline depressing. My body and mind has been fluctuating and I am the point where I want to give up. I feel unproductive in teaching and I know I am behind in my pacing guide. Everyday feels like a struggle and even the conversations I have too frequently are not the same effect like I once had. But each day I continue to what I have always done in the past 10 years. I constantly question whether this is the job I want to do, and I never thought I would be in a position where I doubted my skill. I know my job is hard, challenging, and sometimes we don't see the fruit that we bear because it doesn't happen till another 5-10 years. Maybe I am just really tired.
Lately I have just been having voids of incompetence and it is honestly quite draining. Routines are still being maintained, but I am just faking it till I make it mentality. I have been setting goals, traveling plans, and even contemplating my next steps. But I feel like I am stuck. Sometimes I feel like I failed myself.
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In the teaching world, it is currently the season of disillusionment. It is also the season of basketball, but my team this year has taken a downfall from being the number one team to the forgotten ones-it is like I am watching the same team from 18 years ago. Although my spirit is disillusioned, these past few days I have been reminded that the trials and situations I am currently in have to happen to me for me to reach another destination. I show up to work to teach the kids the best way I can. I troubleshoot as much as I can, and I call it quits when I go to CrossFit. That is the daily grind. And within the reality I live in, I have contemplated the idea of the potential. That potentially, the hardships I go through have a purpose. That the kid who doesn't listen or is apathetic to his/her/their education at some point will be involved. Which means I cannot quit. I have to see the potential that isn't there yet, for them to see. Sometimes I feel I am banking into an empty basket, but what other choice do I? For my current life, that seems to be the only energy I have, potential. I keep holding to the potential of a situation, that I have seemed to forget who I am. It is as if my self-worth seems meaningless because I feel the world doesn't see my potential. It is potential energy that is being wasted when I am just hoping for kinetic energy. (Thanks Mr. Sweet, for teaching me Physics) I constantly do what I am being asked to do, but my heart is just isn't into this anymore. Many people say it the disillusion timeline, many say I am just in a slum, many say that this will pass too. I am thankful, that the basic needs in my life are met exponentially. I have a strong small knit of friends and family, and even though the trajectory of my life is not where I had hoped it would be. I am here living the best way I can. Thus, the idea of potential is patience. It is the hugest challenge for me to be patient. A part of me just wants to settle. Put me out of this idea of hope, and just settle. Is this what happens when you reach your 30s? My type-A personality does not like unanswered or no plan direction. But here I am. I like the idea of potential because I know it is worth waiting for. I don't know how much longer I can just be like this though. Sometimes the pressure keeps building, and you keep dismissing it. At some point you will reach a breaking point. |
About MeMy writing is a collection of my reflections & personal growth. The thoughts presented are my own opinion and do not represent anyone else. These are my own truths and my own experiences. Archives
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